Holier Than Thou [3.1]

Still at the hospital.  The news program ended and focus is shifted back to where the interview was once held.  Everything’s a mess in the maternity ward.  Babies and policemen are strewn about on the floor.  Nobody’s dead (probably), but it still looks like a bomb went off in the place.  Michael is sleeping like a baby in his mother’s arms, exhausted from the recent upheaval.  Officer P’showv’r, sporting an ice pack to the head, comes over to Sandy.

P’showv’r: We’ve almost finished the casualty count.

Sandy: Is it bad?

P’showv’r: Eh, I’ve seen worse.  Although never from a kid.

Sandy: So what will happen to Michael?

P’showv’r: He’ll probably wake up later and be hungry.

Sandy: I mean, is he in trouble?  Or am I?

P’showv’r: Huh?  Oh, don’t even worry about it.  It’s not your fault.  Besides, we can’t throw a kid in jail.  I guess you can consider this one a freebie.  But I will leave you with a warning.  Try not to let it happen again.

Sandy: I will try my best.

P’showv’r: Say, where is the father in all of this?

Sandy: He’s probably off being a dandy somewhere.

In a nearby hallway, John is chatting with a few new fathers who just happen to be rich.

Rich Man #1: I do say, wealth certainly does make things so much… oh, how do you say it?

John: Better?

RM#1: Yes!  That describes it nicely.

RM #2: I could not agree any more.  When I heard that there was danger in the ward, I asked for my child to be moved somewhere safer.  Would you believe that the nurse said there was no need to do that?

RM #3: I can.  She gave me the same answer.

RM #2: That is, until I slipped her some greenbacks.  Then her whole demeanor changed.  After that, young Doland was moved to safety, while that very same room he was in was ravaged by that Michael child.

John: Cash always pays off after all.

RM #2: You can say that again.

John: Cash always pays off after all.

RM #1: [laughing] Oh, hoho.  Now that is witty.  Too good.

RM #3: I couldn’t agree more.  I was even able to bring in the best doctors to conduct the ensure a smooth birth for my baby.  And good thing I did; there was a minor complication along the way.  An ordinary doctor might not have been able to get through it successfully without some extra money.

RM #2: Truly a worthy investment.  It’s so wonderful how money improves the quality of almost everything.

John: Yet, food still tastes best when it’s free.

RM #2: Well, I did say almost everything.

RM #1: Speaking of investments, I recently bought a massive amount of  stock in VHS technology.

RM #3: Are you mad?  Sources tell me the technology will be completely dead within a few short years.  That might be the worst investment I’ve ever heard!

RM #1: Exactly.  You see, I made a bet with a few colleagues of mine that I wouldn’t do it.  So I did.  Now my winnings from the bet will far eclipse my loss from the initial investment.  Hahaha!

RM #3: Brilliant!

John: Quite.  But I’ve an even better one for you.

RM #1: Is that so?

John: You see, I prefer playing the game with free investments for maximum rewards.

RM #2: How so?

John: I believe, and have proven, that being a good person attracts the greatest wealth.  If you are good to everyone, then everyone has no choice other than to be good to you.  Who even needs money when anyone would gladly help you with whatever you need?

The rich bastards are impressed, maybe even enlightened.  They will find a way to make money off of the idea.

Dial “A” for Anarchy [2.3]

Chaos ensues as Doubleman continues to raise Hell.  It can be assumed at this point that he’s almost forgotten why he was mad in the first place.  He’s just enjoying the thrill of shaking things up (really hard).  Meanwhile, a T.V. is on nearby set to the channel of the live interview.  Of course, things went awry, so the “technical difficulties” message has been up for a couple minutes.  The broadcast switches back to the news station and an anchorman caught off-guard.

Anchor: Um…  It appears there were some technical difficulties at the hospital.  Everyone here offers the Poppycock family our congratulations and hopes everything work out for the family.  Since we have some extra time now, we’ll be speaking to some figures about their feeling on this unique child.  First up is Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly.

The broadcast sets the anchor in a frame to the left and O’Reilly in a frame to the right.

Anchor: Hello, Bill.  How are you doing today?

Bill O’Reilly: Confused and slightly offended.

Anchor: Oh?

O’Reilly: Yes.  I’m not quite sure where this child stands legally, but I don’t like him.

Anchor: Elaborate?

O’Reilly: Well first of all, genetically speaking, Michael is not a normal child.  In fact, he’s completely different than every other human being.  My question is should he even be treated as as a normal human.  I mean, sure, he takes on the form of any other man, but he’s clearly not on the inside.  So legally, should he regarded as a human?  I think not.  Should he be regarded as an animal?  Not quite, but I think until we figure out what he is exactly, we should side towards that.

Anchor: Are you sure?  Michael is still technically a human, born from human parents.  I don’t really see a need to place him in the same class as my dog.

O’Reilly: And I might have agreed with that sentiment, until he started throwing a rampage during the interview 10 minutes ago.  He’s uncontrollable, unpredictable.  He may be more dangerous than we initially thought.

Anchor: Dangerous to whom?

O’Reilly: Everybody.  His family, his friends, his environment.  Heck, even himself!

Anchor: So are you saying that as an uncertain figure who has displayed a destructive attitude, Michael should be considered to be in a “grey zone” until he’s older or proven himself as an average citizen?

O’Reilly: Essentially.  And if that day even comes, I’m still not sure I’d trust him.  He seems more like a monster in disguise to me.

???: You shut your face!

A third frame appears on screen in the middle of the other two (leaving the anchor to the left and O’Reilly on the right).  An image comes in to identify the voice.  It’s none other than Chuck Norris.

O’Reilly: Excuse me!?

Norris: You heard me.  You’re full of it and need to stop talking now.

O’Reilly: What is this?  Who do you think you are?

Norris: I’m a man.  And so is Michael.  There’s no denying that.  He’s just as human as you or I, if not more so.  You’re just putting him down because you can’t understand him.  Instead of learning about him and actually getting to know him, you’d rather just make up stuff about his illegitimacy.  You may speak passionately about you’re ignorant fears, but that doesn’t make them right.

O’Reilly: That’s outrageous!  For you’re information, I’ve been doing this for years.  I know what I’m talking about.  And you are… an actor?  What credentials do you have to be speaking about this with me?

Norris: My fist.

Chuck punches off-frame to the right.  Somehow the punch goes through to O’Reilly’s frame and knocks him out.

Norris: My work here is done.

Norris cuts out of the broadcast.

Anchor: We thank both of our guest speakers for their views on the issue.  We just about out of time here, but we have one more figure here to weigh in on the topic.  He is a reverend from Alabama who is simply called “Creationist” by his followers due to of his deep devotion to the Catholic religion.

Creationist: [appearing in a frame to the right of the anchor] Hello.

Anchor: Hi.  So how do you feel about our controversial child?

Creationist: I differ not too greatly from Mr. O’Reilly.

Anchor: Is that so?

Creationist: Indeed.  However, my concern is not the legality of the child in the government’s eyes, but in the eyes of our Lord.

Anchor: Does Michael defy the word of God as well?

Creationist: Without a doubt.  Michael is a blight in the eyes of God.  He is not a true human, nor is he quite like any other creature.  He’s an anomaly; a mutant; an abomination!

Anchor: I see.  Does the Bible specifically state anything to back that up?

Creationist: Absolutely.  God stated that He made man in his image.  Michael is not in his image.  Besides, just look at what the demon has done.  In less than a month, Michael has gone on a rampage in a hospital.  Imagine the pain and destruction he is causing in such a delicate place!

Anchor: So what will you do?  Levy political litigation?

Creationist: No.  Nothing will get done if we wait for Congress to address the issue.  I must take this matter into my own hands, with or without assistance.

Anchor: Personally?

Creationist: The child Michael must be destroyed.  I will carry out God’s will and see to it that this blight be purged from our Earthly plane… forever!

Fade to black.  Cliffhanger ending.

Dial “A” for Anarchy [2.2]

A press conference is set up in the hospital.  Sandy is sitting in a chair in the maternity ward with Michael wrapped in swaddling cloths in her arms.  John is standing proudly beside them.  There are a few doctors and nurses around them.  The whole setup looks strikingly similar to the Nativity scene.  Journalists and members of the news media begin to pour in, excited for a big scoop.  John and Sandy tell their tale again and the doctors fill in the technical information about the child’s formation and birth.  Michael tries to answer a few questions, but is usually interrupted by one of the adults.  This annoys him.

Journalist #1: [directing the question at the parents] How has Michael’s temperament been since taking him home?

Michael: I’ve been-

Sandy: Oh, he’s actually been quite sweet.  A few mild tantrums here and there, but nothing too bad.  He’s surprisingly self-sufficient.

Michael: I could have said that.

Journalist #2: Has he been potty trained yet?

Michael: What kind of question is-

John: Yes!  I’ve never seen a child learn the skill so quickly and easily.  Sandra and I are lucky parents in that regard.  [the room laughs briefly, except for Michael]

Michael: [irate, to the journalist] If you’re so interested in my business, would you like to wipe my ass?  I’m about to answer your question personally right now. [he bends over and starts to look strained in the face]

Journalist #3: [unseen from the back of the group] Will somebody shut that kid up?

Michael: Who said that?  Who fucking said that?! [looking feverishly at the journalists, no one speaks up]  You know what?  Screw this.  None of you care what I have to think or say.  I’m outta here.

Michael hops off of his mother’s lap and storms out.  Others follow to catch him, but he runs away.  He holds himself up in the room of the ward where the newborns are kept.  To keep everybody away, Michael creates a stronghold by barricading the doors and fashioning weapons out of anything he can.  Preparing for war, he begins rallying the babies up to fight with him by his side.  Some infants notice him, but none of them know what’s going on.

His attempts are fairly successful; nobody from the outside can get in.  The police are called and Officer P’showv’r shows up with his squad in attempt to thwart Michael’s uprising.

Sandy: Oh, officer.  I’m so glad you’re here.  My child has locked himself off in the hospital and won’t come out.  We even think he’s prepared to fight!

P’showv’r: Eh, he’s probably alright.  I’ve heard kids these days throw tantrums when they’re mad.  We just have to wait until he tires himself out.

Sandy: Are you sure?  He seems pretty serious.

P’showv’r: Pretty sure.  I’ve never dealt with a delinquent baby before.

A molotov cocktail crashes through an interior window and blows up next to the reporters and journalists.

P’showv’r: Whoa!  I hope he gets tired quick.

Journalist #3: Missed me, kid!

An fully loaded diaper is thrown through the hole in the window and nails the journalist in the face.

Journalist #3: NNNOOOOOO!

Dial “A” for Anarchy [2.1]

A week or so passed and there was still no word of the genetic test results.  Everything else was fine, health-wise, but it was still important to find out if something in the genetics influenced this strange occurrence.  About a month passed in total and Sandy called the hospital for the umpteenth time.  This time, however, they were told that the results were in and to come in for everything.  After the family arrives, the doctor explains that the delay was caused because the normal crew encountered a situation they had never come to before and didn’t know what to make of it.  The data was sent higher and higher up before it reached the hands a one Dr. Hawk Stevening.  In his brilliance, he finally figured out what to make of the data.  Michael’s DNA structure had not two, but three swirling paths that the genetic chemicals took along the strand.  He termed this phenomenon the “triple helix” DNA structure.  Furthermore, he suggests in Michael’s case there is one X chromosome, from his mother, and (unusually) two Y chromosomes from his father.  This one-of-a-kind occurrence has created a human with not only twice the male testosterone production, but nearly twice the total number of chromosomes as well.  Michael is essentially a “double man.”

John: Now it all makes sense, I think.

Sandra: So… is my son a mutant?

Doctor: Perhaps by definition, yes.  But there doesn’t seem to be anything that would be a disadvantage to him.  Think of Michael as more of an X-Men rather than your run-of-the-mill sewer mutant.

Michael: I like the sound of that, Dr. X.  [lights up a cigar]

Doctor: You know you shouldn’t smoke.  It’s bad for your health.  And you’re still just a new-born.

Michael: [takes a good, hard stare at the doc] Blow it out your ass. [blows out big cloud of smoke]

Doctor: Then again, you seem capable of making your own decisions.

Michael: Damn straight!

Doctor: Anyway, since this is such a rare and spectacular event, the scientific community is buzzing like crazy.  News is spreading like wildfire.  Would you all mind doing an interview and press conference here?  The scientific community would love it.

John: Sounds like a splendid idea!  Let us spread this to all corners of the globe!

Doctor: Or to all basic cable news channels.

Sandy: Basic cable’s good enough for us.

Michael: Am I going to be famous?

Doctor: You’re already famous to me!

Michael gives the doc a weird look.

Birth of a Heroes [1.3]

It’s late at night and John and Sandy are returning home from the show.

John: I do say, that may have been the best show I’ve seen in ages.

Sandy: It was wonderful.  Thank you so much, honey. [she gives him a kiss on the cheek]  But now I have a gift for you.

John: [confused] But you already gave me my gift.  It’s exquisite, remember? [pointing to his top hat]

Sandy: That was only half of the gift… the other half is in the bedroom… [coyly walks to the bedroom]

John follows into the bedroom and the door closes.  They can be heard from the outside.

Sandy: Do me now!

John: With pleasure, m’lady.

The two lovers proceed with a rowdy romp of intercourse.  It’s contents would be considered downright filthy, but since they’re married, it’s totally dignified.  All the while, John never takes off his top hat and monocle.  He’s just that classy.

John: [looking disgruntled into the sky] Oh, my!

The view shift to the inner workings of Sandy’s va-jay-jay.  Millions of valiant sperms are eagerly swimming towards their ultimate goal.  After a race comparable to a cross between Mario Kart and American Gladiators, the little white knights reach the Death Star… I mean the egg.  They all gang up on it and keep prodding until one of them breaks the seal.  Curiously, though, two sperms penetrate simultaneously on either side of the egg.  Of course, this creates a chemical reaction that locks out anymore sperms, so the rest begin to shrivel and die, having lost their mission in life (how sad).

Time passes and the unborn child has grown quite quickly.  By a couple of weeks in, the fetus has already developed an early humanoid figure.  By three months, the child is almost fully developed.  And by the fourth and a half month mark, the child is fully conscious.

Child: [fed up, thinking] (Enough.)

The child takes the umbilical cord attached to his stomach and tears it apart, freeing him from reliance on his host.  He then punches the uterine lining holding him captive in the womb until it breaks.

Sandy: [suddenly confused and terrified] Oh, my God!  My water broke!

John: [close up] Dear God.

Sandy was wearing a skirt, which allowed the child an easy escape route.  Shortly after realizing her water broke, the child quickly slips out and lands on the ground in perfect form.  It should be worth noting that the child has a large phallus.

Child: [thrusting fist in the air] FREEDOM!!!

John: [proudly waving his hands in the air] It’s a boy!..  No…  It’s a MAN!

For a moment, it seems as if it is suddenly getting very bright and sunny outside.  A moment of beauty, before returning to a slightly overcast day, 70°F, with a slight breeze to the East.  The weatherman predicted it would be cooler.

A moment passes.  Sandy is sitting in a chair looking quite exhausted.  The child is cleaning himself off with a towel.  John is still standing, still excited.

Sandy: [short of breath] But… how?

Child: [pulls out a cigar and a Zippo lighter] Beats me. [lights cigar and takes a puff]

John: Perhaps we should take him back to the doctor.

Child: [sarcastically] Gee, ya think?  You know what, forget about it.  I feel fine!

Sandy: I’m going to go anyway.  You’re coming with.

Child: Yay.  Happy birthday to me.

The new, happy family climbs into the car and drives off to the local hospital.  They get settled in very quickly, considering the circumstances.

John: Pardon my ignorance, young chap, but how can you speak English so fluently?

Child: I had a lot of time to sit and wait in that womb.  All I could do was hear the sounds coming from both my mother and the world outside of her.  And when there was no sound, all I could do was think about all of the sounds I heard.  Eventually, I pieced together the English language.  I even got started on Ebonics, ya jive turkeys.

Sandy: Wow, so you heard… everything?

Child: I was really only able to understand enough about the world about two weeks ago, so I guess from then on.

Sandy: Hmm… okay.  Well since you can already talk, I think it’s time you could say your own name.

John: Ah, of course!  I just had a feeling that we were forgetting something tremendously important!  What name did you decide on, Sandy?

Sandy: Michael.

John: Wonderful!  Welcome to the world, Michael Poppycock!

Michael: Thanks for the consideration and all, but since I can actually think like a human, I think I’ll just pick my own name.

John: Well, I’m not quite sure your mother would appreciate that, now would you? [looks to Sandy, she’s quickly scribbling something on a paper]

Michael: [accusingly] What’s that?

Sandy looks up real quick and continues writing feverishly.  Michael jumps up and grabs the sheet from her.  He looks at it and finds out that it’s a birth certificate.  And written on the “Child’s Name” line is “Michael Poppycock.”  It’s official.

Michael: D’oh!

The doctor and nurses come in and the family tells them the tale of their preemie incident.  The doctor suggests that women can rarely conceive and carry a child without even knowing it until the child is ready to be born.  In Sandy’s case, her child may have grown faster than anticipated, though her body showed no physical signs of extra growth.  How Michael was fully developed and even completely cognizant of his surroundings was a complete other mystery.  The doctor ran the full gamut of medical, biological, and genetic examination on Michael, some of which had immediate results, while others would take a week or so to come back.  Because medical scientists are lazy.  The immediate test results were positive.  Sandy is fine and will soon recover from her traumatic birthing session.  Michael is a fine and healthy baby, even though he looks like a small man.  Now begins the waiting game to find out what exactly is going on.

Birth of a Heroes [1.2]

It is a wonderful evening at the Super Special Secret Stadium.  John and Sandy pull up to the outdoor theater with the sun setting in the horizon behind it.  They manage to secure a good spot not too far from the stage.  Of course, even though there is little room to move, assholes keep pushing forward to get as close to the stage as possible.  Sandy “accidentally” trips one particularly aggressive one an he looks at her like he can’t fathom why anyone would do that.  She and John share a good laugh.  Then show begins and the surprise MC walks out.

Mark Hamill: [dressed in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber] Hello, everybody.  Welcome to the annual Super Special Secret Spectacle!  How are we all doing tonight?

The crowd goes nuts.

Hamill: Great.  Well this year we have an amazing show with the best line-up I’ve ever seen.. this year.

Mild crowd chuckling.

Hamill: [tugging his collar] Eyeh, tough crowd. Anyway, first up we have a living legend, the one and only- Bob Dylan!

The crowd begins cheering as Bob Dylan comes out and switches places with Mark Hamill.  He plays a few songs, most of them old, but a few new ones, as well.  The new ones are reminiscent of his most cryptic work.  An excerpt goes as follows:

Dylan: How many men must walk

to screw in a lightbulb?

And how many bulbs does it take

to light the world?

If we could all see

the foes that rule us all,

then we could revolt

and play rollerball.

[chorus] Don’t sit and wait for peace,

for peace, it don’t have legs.

But if you wait for war,

it’ll find you like bad eggs.

And ask not what this county

can do for you,

but ask what you can do

to make the stew.

Dylan’s finalé drew a full applause (a slightly confused applause, but an applause nonetheless).  Mark Hamill returns to introduce the next guest.

Hamill: Wasn’t he great everybody?  Boy, Bobby and I go way back.  When I was working on Episode V, I tried to convince George Lucas to make a character for him called Will Dill.  I don’t think he liked it too much, otherwise Bob would have his name in those galactic credits at the end.  Anyway, next up is a showcase of magic and the paranormal.

The crowd goes “OoOoOooo.”

Hamill:  Yes, “ooo,” indeed!  Fresh out of the Academy for the Dark Arts and from parts unknown, please give it up for Necromantic!

The crowd cheers and the stage blacks out.  Suddenly, a burst of flames spontaneously erupt in the middle of the stage.  In its aftermath, the wizard is revealed.

Necromantic: Here enters Necromantic, lord of the dark and lover of the dead!  Now give unto me your souls… uh, I mean, your soul-warming applause!

The crowd uneasily responds, not quite sure who this guy even is.  As they do so, a fire becomes evident at the bottom of Necromancer’s robe, to the side.  Necromancer notices it and panics a moment before a stage-hand comes out and sprays his feet with a fire extinguisher.  The fire goes out and Necromantic looks annoyed, but the crowd loves it, not even caring if it’s part of the show or not.

Necromantic: I suppose I still have a few kinks to work out of the transportation spell.  But more to the point- I will now cast a spell that will summon the spirit of a famed performer to return to the stage and put on a show like no other.  Behold: the dark arts revive the dead!

Necromantic pours a decanter of what appears to be blood in a ring on the center of the stage.  In the middle, he places a lit candle, a guitar, and a hoagie and begins to chant some sort of incantation.  The ring seems to react and impossible movement is seen within the ring (though most of the audience can’t see it yet because of their angle to the stage).  Slowly, the body of Elvis Presley emerges straight up from the ring.  The crowd goes apeshit.  Before the cheers die down (which could’ve taken hours), Elvis begins a legendary set of all of his old favorites.  At one point he looks for an audience member to come on stage with him.  In a stroke of luck (or destiny?), Sandy is picked and gets to come up on stage where Elvis dedicates a song to her.  Afterwards, he asks her to give him a kiss on the cheek.  Of course, he pulls a switcheroo and lands one straight on her lips.  Sandy was already counting on this and totally goes in.  John is proud; his wife was the first (and only) girl to kiss Elvis in about two decades.  After Elvis completes his set, Necromantic comes back out to return the King of Rock and Roll to his final resting place (oxymoron?).  Apparently though, Necromantic makes a mistake somewhere along the process and flames violently spit out of the ring as Elvis stands in the middle of it.  The Hellhole sucks the King in and closes instantly.  Necromantic looks like he just shat a brick.

Necromantic: Um, that wasn’t supposed to happen.  I think I accidentally sent Elvis to the wrong place.

The crowd looks upset, bordering pissed.

Necromantic: I may have sent him to Hell instead.  My bad.  But I can try to fix it… once I learn how to do that.

The crowd looks like it’s about to riot and/or kill Necromantic where he stands.  Mark Hamill comes back out and tries to play crowd control.

Hamill: [waving his hand mystically over the audience] You will not riot.

Eerily, the crowd stops on a dime and repeats:

Audience: [in complete unison] We will not riot.

Hamill: You will forget that Elvis was sent to Hell.

Audience: [in unison] We forget that Elvis was sent to Hell.

Hamill: Wow, what a show!  Let’s give it up for Necromantic.

The crowd cheers, having totally forgotten their rage.  Necromantic nervously smiles and waves and walks off.

Hamill: Unfortunately, the show must come to an end.

Audience: Awwww.

Hamill: But we’ve still got one more performance to go.  We have a very special guest with us tonight who needs no introduction.  Everyone give it up for the hyper-talented Bongo Spider!

The crowd cheers, though they have never heard of Bongo Spider before.  Then the curtain, previously closed as Mark Hamill spoke, opens to reveal a giant, 10-foot tall spider.  The spider has some tarantula-like features, particularly its hairy appearance,but it does not seem hostile at all.  All around the spider are drums and different percussion instruments, with a hefty amount of bongos.  The crowd becomes uneasy and a few people faint.  Everyone holds their breath when Bongo Spider raises half of his legs in the air and holds them there for a brief moment.  Then, with a flurry of  limbs, Bongo Spider begins a wild drum solo rivaling even the greatest drummers in history.  The performance continues on to amaze and surprise everyone (they laugh, they cry).  At its bombastic conclusion, Mark Hamill comes out one last time to conclude the evening.

Hamill: Wasn’t that amazing?  We kept Bongo Spider under wraps to keep him a surprise for you all.  But all good things must come to an end, and that includes this show as well.  Thank you all for coming out and I hope to see you all next year, if you manage to get tickets again (haha).  Goodnight, and may the Force be with you.

Audience: [in unison] And also with you.

The event ends and tamers come out to guide Bongo Spider back to wherever he is kept.  Bongo Spider, on the other hand, resists and breaks free of his control.  He starts to go on a bloody rampage, killing a few people in the front rows.  Mark Hamill begins to fight Bongo with his lightsaber.  The ending of the duel is ambiguous, as John and Sandy leave for the parking lot, already too far away from the action to care anymore.

Birth of a Heroes [1.1]

A quaint house sits among many others like it in a suburb in Northeast America.  Welcome to the Poppycock residence.  In the house we catch Sandra cooking an awesome dinner: a turkey roast for her husband and herself.  Though she often prepares wonderful meals for no particular reason (some consider her the best wife ever), this one is particularly special.  Today is marks the couple’s anniversary.  And what timing we have here!  John is just coming home from work now.

John: [entering the house] Happy anniversary, honey!  And how exquisite it is, indeed!

Sandy: [hug and kiss] Oh, you remembered.  How sweet.  Happy anniversary to you, too.

John: The anniversary turkey gave it away, which, by the way, smells to die for.

Sandy: Doesn’t it?  It’s based off of an Emeril recipe.

John: Ah, Mr. Lagasse.  I dare your Italian/New Orleans cooking to fail a taste-test. [he peeks in the oven to get a closer whiff]

Sandy: [loudly] BAM!  Hahaha well it’s not much longer before it’s done.  Why don’t you get settled in while I finish up.

John: Certainly, miss.

John leaves the kitchen after removing his top hat (yes, he wears a top hat.  In fact, he wears a very nice suit in the style of an 19th century aristocrat.  Though he only comes from middle-class, he prefers to live life as if he were someone of wealth and importance.  No one is quite sure why he decided to become a dandy, but that it is no act, but genuine.  Also, he has no real “job.”  When he goes off to “work,” it usually means he’ll be wandering around partaking in leisurely hobbies and speaking in a refined manner with other intellectuals.  Unfortunately, this is not a paying “job,” yet he always seems to have just enough money.)  He sits on the couch in the living room and turns on the T.V.  A news program is already on.

News Anchor:  [cutting in from the T.V. turning on] -the multi-billion dollar government-funded project is already well under way.  Fortunately, the taxpayers are not expected to see any raises in taxes because of this.  The money is coming from a number of sources that are already accounted for and President Clinton assures the citizens that the results can greatly aid America in the future.  He also noted that even though the project may be of great importance to the nation, its effects won’t likely be seen until the end of the millenium.  Hand-picked from the team of scientists to lead the project is the renowned Dr. Hawk Stevening, whose credentials are impressive enough to host an award show where would win everything.  Not many details are given about the project, but it is confirmed that it is closely involved with computers.  Industry insiders speculate that the project may make computers many times more effective than they currently are.  However, skeptics are reporting that the leaked information they have received indicates a terrible weapon may be the result of this endeavor.  We will follow up with new details as they arrive.

Sandy: [from the dining room] Dinner’s up!  Come get it!

John: Smashing.

Dinner ensues.  John and Sandy exchange conversation over a turkey that has been thoroughly kicked up a notch.  And don’t even get me started on the gravy…  After they finish, the two then exchange gifts.

John: [opening up a small box] Oh, my!  Is this a new monacle… with a pocket watch at the other end of the chain!?

Sandy: 14k gold, quartz clock, and crystal glass.  Your name is even engraved on the watch.

John: Truly exquisite!  This is too much, thank you.  Here, open mine. [he passes Sandy a small box as well]

Sandy: [opens the box and pulls out two tickets] Tickets to see Vanilla Ice in concert?

John: No, that’s just the advertisement on the back.  Turn them over.

Sandy: [turns over the tickets and looks surprised and excited] Oh my God!  Are these really tickets to the Super Special Secret Spectacle?  These are so rare and exclusive.  How did you ever manage to get these.

John: [hesitantly] I “won” them from a very important person. [shifty eyes]

Sandy: Oh, I don’t even care.  Come here. [she gives him a big kiss (not that big, take it easy)]